Musings on Rachel Joi

finding purpose

Mon, 09 Oct 2017 10:02:00 +0000

I like my employer, and I like my new career as a software tester, and though I strive to be excellent, when I leave work, I do my best not to think about it until the next day. I’ll sometimes try to learn a new skill or read a book related to software testing, or write a blog post, but software testing is not what gives me purpose in life. I grew up thinking I was going to be exceptional. Maybe every kid does. Maybe it’s my generation. And though I’m a little disappointed that I’m not running the world or making a widely known name for myself, I’m really happy with the life I’ve built. My marriage is nearly perfect - we have similar goals, complementary interests, a genuine enjoyment of conversation and companionship with each other, and a desire to see the other one succeed and be happy. I’ve found solid friends and fun groups to be around. I am getting better at singing and am truly enjoying it. I always have a project or two going, usually knitting. I’m very involved at church and am trying to get more involved in my community. I’ve taken up rock climbing. My depression is mostly kept at bay, though some days, it’s hard to get out of bed. But is this my purpose in life? I hope I bring joy to others, I think I inspire people in some way, and I’m pretty happy right now, so is this what I can hope to achieve? I try not to be selfish, though that is my nature, and I can be rather self-indulgent some (a lot) of the time. I’ve been looking into ikigai and hygge - it seems that a lot of people are seeking purpose (and contentment) in life. I don’t have one all-consuming passion that makes me happy to get out of bed (and pays me), but I do have rituals and little things that bring meaning to everyday life. This is a hard concept for me. My life is pretty ordinary viewed from the outside, I think, but it feels special from the inside. Where do you find purpose? How do you define it?

insecurity and bravery

Mon, 26 Jun 2017 08:00:00 +0000

My husband won’t sing in front of me. He’s taking voice lessons with a great teacher (Tyler Kofoed, if you’re interested), and he says he’s getting better, but he won’t sing for me. Part of it is intimidation, because I’ve been taking lessons and just singing a lot longer, but part of it is massive insecurity and not wanting to reveal that he’s not great at something. I didn’t realize it was actually a thing until he nearly had a panic attack after he almost got up the nerve to let me warm him up the other day. He calls me brave. It’s not a word I generally claim, because I think I would back down from a physical altercation, and I’m not sure I would rush into a burning building to save cats. But in some ways, I am brave. I ignore the part of my ego that cares what other people think, and when I want to do something, I just don’t give a damn about other people. Take climbing. It had been over ten years since I last went climbing (indoors, but still). Ten years and, oh, 50-60 pounds. My harness didn’t really fit anymore. Did you know that shoes feel tighter when you’ve gained that much weight? But I decided to go climbing at a gym here with a friend. We started with bouldering (stupid idea, but I didn’t have a harness that fit), and I fell off the wall. Many times. At one point, I fell on my way walking to the wall. Yeah. I shut down the part of me that said I was too big and clumsy and weak and lazy and all manner of bad things, and I made some progress. And then a little more the next time. And when I finally got a harness that fit, I got a little ways up a wall a few times. And then more. And now, I’m still not very good, and not very strong, but I’m getting better each time, and no one has even tried to say that I’m too big to climb, or anything negative at all. I’m really insecure about most everything. I know I’m smart, but I’m not doing big, important things with it. I know I’m a good musician, but I’m not in top-notch ensembles. I know I’m kind and funny, but I’m sometimes unsatisfied with my friendships. I could create a very long list of the things that I am insecure about, but you get the idea. My pride and my bravery and very closely related to my insecurity. It comes from deciding that my life would be better for having tried something, or for letting something go, than to stick with the old ways of doing things. And once I decide that, the external naysayers get the same treatment as the internal naysayers: I ignore them, or, at least, try to ignore them.

indispensability and value

Mon, 19 Jun 2017 08:00:00 +0000

I had a realization when I started my current job: I don’t want to be indispensable. For a very long time, I wanted to be indispensable, where things would come to a halt if I weren’t there or if I hadn’t left detailed instructions behind. I wanted to be so important to a company or a project that work absolutely required my expertise and my presence. I thought that was a sign of value, that it meant I mattered. But now, I don’t want to be indispensable. It seems to be a sign of arrogance to the point of irresponsibility and disregard for the well-being of an organization to be indispensable. I want to be valued and to train others to do my job, so that I have the freedom to take a vacation, or even (gasp) leave, somewhere down the road. I care about the team I’m on and want them to succeed, with or without me. What I want is to be valued, to be respected for the skills, knowledge, and ideas I bring, and to be regarded as a positive force on our team. However, we have a new tester on our team, and I’m training her. Though I know I really want her to succeed and be a partner with me, I still feel a little threatened, like… I’m no longer required. Even though I’ve been thinking these ideas, about the tension between indispensability and value, and coming to regard them as separate concepts, I still feel like they are the same thing, like the best way to be valued is to make myself indispensable. I actually talked with the new woman about this, so that she understands that if I start to sound a bit territorial or a bit fussy, it’s not about her, but about me, and she’s welcome to confront me about it. We’ll see how I react if she does confront me. :)

luxury and want

Mon, 03 Apr 2017 08:00:00 +0000

What conjures thoughts of luxury to you? Nice purses? Hand-tailored suits? Expensive scotch? For me, yes, those are luxurious items, but a much simpler luxury item is… Goldfish. Yeah, the cheese crackers shaped like fish. I still feel a little self-indulgent when I buy them. Realizing that has made me think about how our childhood circumstances continue to affect our thinking as we are older. Growing up, my mom supported our family of four on a pastor’s salary. She served congregations that were made up of people who were mostly middle and upper-middle class. I don’t know how much she made, and it’s not terribly relevant. We didn’t have money for new books (realizing that I couldn’t get the books I wanted from the Scholastic flyer is a decently strong memory), rarely went out to eat, and did a lot of shopping at Goodwill. My mom made most of my clothes until we moved to Germany. I didn’t have my first pair of jeans until I was in sixth grade, and those were hand-me-downs from a boy in the church. I loved the clothing she made me; she is a great seamstress, and I was never self-conscious about what I was wearing, though… I do remember a lot of pairs of pink sweatpants. I would get a new dress for Easter, and it was kind of a big deal when she bought me one instead of making it. She stopped making my clothes when we moved, in part because fabric was so much more expensive in Europe. Our snacks were not fancy - string cheese, homemade cookies (yum) - but she would sometimes buy Goldfish. I loved those things, but they seemed to only come out on special occasions. I felt really high-class when I would get to eat Goldfish, and that has stayed with me into adulthood. (Now that we’re just a couple weeks from Easter, I’ve been thinking about how our plastic Easter eggs were filled with Froot Loops and sugary cereals that were only in our house for those times.) In spite of not having much disposable income in our daily life (maybe because of it), we had an annual vacation that would take us camping in Yellowstone or driving along the Pacific coast while we lived in the US, and Italy, Spain and Portugal, Crete, Israel, or many other places while we lived in Europe. My mom spent money on experiences rather than stuff while we were growing up, so even though we would take our own snacks and sandwiches to Disneyland, we went to Disneyland most years with her family. We traveled widely in Europe, staying in hostels and not being terribly adventurous in cuisine, following Rick Steves’ guidance and exploring on our own. It was an incredible way to grow up, and I’m happy to have those experiences to remember. I now have a situation where we have two incomes and no children, in a city with a reasonable cost of living, but I still hesitate before I buy myself name-brand snacks or the leaner beef. And Goldfish, well, those are just special.

2016 roundup

Fri, 30 Dec 2016 11:30:00 +0000

2016 has been a mostly good year in my life, but it’s been a difficult one in our nation and our world. Memes abound anthropomorphizing 2016, and it seems like most people will be glad to see the year end. Whether 2017 will be any better, whether the world will even make it to 2018 is uncertain, but people hold out hope that next year has to be better than this one. In my personal life, I got my first non-law-related, work-for-someone-else job doing software testing. I think I’ve learned a lot, and I’m enjoying the work and the collegiality. I started doing volunteer work with a high school robotics team and a refugee resettlement organization. I became more involved at church, to the point of taking a leadership role in our early Sunday service. I got a diagnosis for my mental health issues that finally fits. I’m finding time to do things that I enjoy. It’s been a little rough trying to find “our people” here, and the search for friends makes me feel like I’m 5… or 11… ugh. So the year was mostly good. We saw friends and family, explored Utah, and spent lots of time just being us. But personal life aside… 2016 has been rough for our global society. Aside from all the cultural icons, musicians, and celebrities who have died, the year brought division and destruction, emboldening xenophobia and diminishing hope. I look at the trail we left behind in 2016, splattered with Syrian blood, refugee tears, and political mudslinging, and I fear for the future. I fear that the hatred we spewed in 2016 is only the beginning, that the trail we carve through 2017 will be just as bloody, wet, and muddy as the one we left behind us. I wish I had a way to make this better, that I had words of hope to speak, that I knew how things would turn out, but I’m still feeling hopeless and gutted. I do admire the people who have stepped up to create plans of action for resisting Trump. One example is the Indivisible Guide . It takes the aspects of the Tea Party that were very effective, action at the local level, and discusses how to execute them in opposition to Trump’s agenda. I have to believe that we can halt or at least stall the worst of his plans. The problems we’re facing as a world - the refugee crisis and the rise of xenophobia - seem too big and complicated to manage. I have a heart for refugees but understand the need to keep communities safe. The Australian attitude towards refugees is cruel, even malicious, but I fear Europe is headed in that direction. As for the situation in the States, we need to stop shouting into echo chambers and make sure our voices are heard by our members of Congress. We need to volunteer with and donate to organizations that resettle refugees and that advocate for their inclusion and their rights. Lutheran Immigration and Refugee Service and Catholic Charities are great organizations that I’ve worked with before. Some good came out of the year, but it seems to be mostly overshadowed by the bad. Here’s hoping 2017 brings mostly good things.

why I make music (and why I practice)

Thu, 29 Dec 2016 12:32:00 +0000

I’ve been making music since I was a small child. It started with singing, then included piano, flute, and double bass, and now I mostly just sing and play piano. Listening to music is a great pleasure, but making music is a deeper experience and emotion, joy and earnestness and connection. I’ve never considered myself a very creative person - my improvisation skills are worthless, and my compositions fall into a few standard categories with little innovation or depth. I gravitate towards the technical and enjoy concrete challenges. I’m not necessarily very good, but music is my lifeblood. I make music because I must. In the same way little kids burst into fits of dancing, I must express myself with music. Song bursts out of me, at mostly appropriate times. It’s how my soul expresses itself. It facilitates my communication with the world and with God. But I practice for other reasons. In part, I practice to improve, but in larger measure, I practice so I don’t distract. If you’re like me, you’ve heard performances that make you cringe or put you on edge, wondering if the next note will be in tune or out of control. Instead of hearing the music, you hear the technique. That’s just not a fun experience for anyone, the performer or the listener. And so I practice so that technique doesn’t get in the way of the music. Yes, I try to bring my own expression to the music, but people won’t notice that expression if they’re concerned about my technique. This came up as I was practicing for a solo for Christmas Eve. It wasn’t a big thing - just the first verse of Of the Father’s Love Begotten - but it was sung unaccompanied and alone. I found that I kept going sharp, and the key meant that the first few notes ran right over my lower passagio, so I practiced. Worked on it in coaching and my lesson. Thought I was going to be okay. But in the moment, I realized I hadn’t practiced enough for it to be muscle memory, and so I went (a little) sharp and sounded awkward on a note. Missed the expression I had been working on putting into it. I was disappointed, and the few people I mentioned it to (my husband, the organist, and the choir director) all said they had noticed my slip-ups. Granted, they were the ones most likely to notice, but still, I felt like I let myself down and took away from the experience of others. That kind of experience makes me want to practice, and practice more. It can become tedious, but the end result is usually worth it. I noticed a difference in the recitals from 2015. For the one in April, I practiced tons, and it went pretty well. For the one in October, I practiced less, and hearing the recording of it made me realize just how much practice improves everything. There’s something innocent about unpracticed song, but it is often tentative and not as expressive as it could be with study. I guess to sum up, I make music for myself, and I practice for others.

living in Utah - one year later

Fri, 04 Nov 2016 13:00:00 +0000

We have now been in Utah for a full year. We’re feeling settled and are having fun here. We’ve learned our way around, found friends, communities, volunteer opportunities, I found a job (!), we’ve done some outdoorsy activities (though not as much as either of us would like), and we’ve acclimated to the culture for the most part. Utah is just different in some ways, with the dominant religion influencing secular life in a fairly large way. The refugee family I mentor was told by another volunteer that Christmas isn’t big here, and that Halloween is much bigger. That jives with what we’ve seen, but it’s influenced by religion (the Christmas thing, at least) rather than just being less important. The institution I work for is a Utah business, so we don’t get Christmas Eve off, just Christmas Day. Another thing influenced by religion is the prevalence of specialty soda shops. There’s a big emphasis on sweets rather than coffee and alcohol. But those who aren’t LDS seem to drink a lot more coffee and a lot more alcohol to make up for it. Some of the politics and legal stuff is weird, but it’s not terrible, and we’ve gotten used to it. I get angry about politics in a lot of places, so Utah is just another instance of this. The outdoor activities in this state can’t be beat. We’ve been to three national parks this year (Bryce Canyon, Arches, and Canyonlands), have gone camping at Nine-Mile Canyon (petroglyphs all over the place), and have gone on a number of hikes. No skiing last winter, but we’re hoping to change that this winter. There’s a walking/bike trail that goes from pretty far up north all the way south along a river. We’ve only explored a few miles of it, but it’s quite inviting. The climate is more temperate than Kansas, still getting cold in the winter and hot in the summer, but nowhere near the extremes of Kansas. The downside of the climate here is inversion, which comes from living in a valley between two mountain ranges. The pollution stays in the valley, settling like smog and staying there for up to weeks at a time, until a storm clears it out. It gets so bad that people are supposed to stay inside, and people who work outside wear ventilators. I’ve found people with whom to play board games, people with whom to knit, and a great voice teacher. People are very friendly and welcoming. My church is a wonderful community. Work is a good place for me to be. All in all, we’re happy here and think we’ll be here awhile.

weekly roundup - February 19th

Fri, 19 Feb 2016 10:02:00 +0000

Maybe not strictly weekly, but here’s this week’s edition of what I’ve been reading, playing, and thinking! The New Yorker had an interesting piece last spring on police shootings in Albuquerque . The violence directed at civilians by cops is far beyond what other areas experience, and the city turned a blind eye to it over and over again. The DOJ launched an investigation and found a pattern of unnecessarily aggressive responses to crises. The most egregious violence has been directed at people who are homeless or have a mental illness. It is a depressing read, and the protection by the city and within the department makes it even worse. I could feel the hopelessness of the parents in the story. This short opinion piece (caution: language) on the Huffington Post’s refusal to pay its writers got me thinking about how I choose to spend my time and energy. It’s also an analog to paying artists, like I believe so firmly in with ArtsFuse . I’m not sure I can completely stop reading HuffPo, but is it worth it to make an effort? Games:

weekly roundup - February 5th

Fri, 05 Feb 2016 08:41:00 +0000

This will be a short one. In the last couple weeks, I’ve been focusing on other things and haven’t read many articles or played many games. I’m still a week or two behind in Bloomberg Businessweek, but I found this article about a man who has donated millions to Ted Cruz’s campaign to be very interesting. Robert Mercer is a very wealthy programmer and hedge fund manager who donates to political campaigns and summits and movements that push for the gold standard and deny climate change. He and I basically have nothing in common, but it would be interesting to have a conversation with him (though he is also fairly reticent about his personal beliefs, so it might be difficult). The story is light on formative background for Mercer, and I would want to know why on earth… just… why. My Facebook feed has been dominated by a few outspoken Sanders supporters, and it made me start thinking that everyone was like that. I’ve taken measures to lessen that exposure and talk to Clinton supporters more. And then I came across this piece this morning, and it seemed like perfect timing. Clinton has been in the national spotlight for 25 years. She has incredible perseverance, and she has had to deal with so much mud-slinging for pretty much the entire time. The GOP is encouraging Sanders supporters to spew the same vitriol the right has been spewing for years. It’s frustrating and worrisome.

weekly roundup - January 15th

Fri, 15 Jan 2016 08:46:00 +0000

One of the best things I saw this week was Jerry Seinfeld and President Obama in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee . Both of these men are personable, and I enjoyed their conversation. Having Obama open up about what it means to have power is interesting, and his advice to the candidates about making sure they’re running for the right reasons (or rather, not running for the wrong reasons) made me think about the reasons behind the choices I’ve made in my own life. In law school, we learned about arbitration, but there wasn’t a big emphasis on it. It was something that was relegated to consumer contracts, but even there, it wasn’t used by all of the companies. In the last few years, however, arbitration clauses have popped up all over the place, and the Supreme Court has upheld even the most extreme of them. This article does a good job of explaining the rise of arbitration clauses and the influence the Chief Justice had in creating the winning argument while he was practicing law. I’m not a proponent of arbitration. My arguments against it are nothing new, but I am particularly against it in employment contracts. Cerner gave its employees an ultimatum late last year: sign an arbitration contract or lose the ability to get merit raises. It prohibits class action suits, which can be effective to change corrupt or improper practices by companies. And it’s just unfair. The way that our country and justice system seem to be run by companies rather than people really gets to me. A New York Times Magazine article addresses the Russian media trolls who put out pro-Russia articles and comments that disparage, well, anyone who criticizes Putin or Russia (or looks too hard at the trolls themselves). It’s an interesting bit of investigative journalism that culminates in the journalist himself being trolled. Another article about the dark side of technology is this article about the Silk Road and its founder. It’s a long, two-part read, but it goes through the founding, running, and downfall of the Silk Road and the efforts law enforcement made to try and shut it down. In the end, it’s a pretty classic case of getting too big for one’s britches. Ross Ulbricht, the mastermind, became arrogant and a little careless, which was enough for law enforcement to get a toehold. There are so many examples of this extreme hubris, and the article was in part fascination with a dark world and part schadenfreude at seeing the end result. I didn’t play any games this week, but I’m going to a board game convention this weekend, so I’ll have lots to report next week! Personal thoughts: I’ve been applying for jobs, which is somewhat disheartening. I’m educated, curious, driven, and eager to work, but I think my JD scares off potential employers who think I’m going to expect a lawyer’s salary while not doing legal work or who think that I’m not right for a software job. It’s frustrating. But I’ve come to realize that majoring in math in addition to music was one of the best decisions I could have made in college. I wanted to graduate with more than a degree in music (I knew I didn’t want to do music professionally), and I enjoyed math and was pretty good at it. It turns out that a lot of software jobs require a technical degree or a math degree, so yay! Trying to figure out my future (career-wise) makes me feel so young and inexperienced again, but it’s essential.

weekly roundup - January 8th

Fri, 08 Jan 2016 16:32:00 +0000

I started my week by reading an article in Bloomberg about Disney’s princess business switching from Mattel to Hasbro. Mattel had a series of missteps with its treatment of Disney princess products, and Disney finally took its business elsewhere. Last year, two-thirds of the Mattel senior staff resigned or was fired (Mattel lost the Disney princesses in late 2014). Hasbro has reworked the princesses to be more true to their animated characters, including painting on faces, making the waistlines (very slightly) different, and taking the dresses back to what they were meant to be. A couple things stood out to me in this article. First, it’s very important to know your market. Disney didn’t understand that kids (and their parents) wanted princess stuff until an executive went to a Disney on Ice show and saw little girls in handmade princess dresses. Second, it’s important to pay attention to your client and make them feel heard and valued. The article is full of cringing moments where I found myself wishing that Mattel had done anything else. Excellent read. Speaking of Disney and Hasbro, the #WheresRey debacle has been fascinating. Hasbro may be doing right by princesses, but their treatment of the female protagonist in Star Wars is just terrible, and their excuses feeble and hollow. This post discusses how Rey is a role model as much for boys as she is for girls. Something else Disney is doing is building a Star Wars franchise to last the ages. Wired wrote about how the last Star Wars movie won’t come in our lifetime. Star Wars is following the comic book style of universe-building, with lots of options for side stories and having characters develop independently and together. (Also, I learned a new word - paracosm - so that’s exciting.) It’s the same thing that the big studios are doing with Marvel and DC, intertwining stories and building franchises to explore characters and ages and lands. It’s an exciting thing, but at the same time, I like being able to just ingest single stories or movies without needing to know a lot of external information. On a side note, I may get more into Star Wars. Carl certainly wants me to, and he has a list of books for me to read if I’m interested. So there’s that. Getting away from Disney entirely, I also read about environmental activists that went after a ship that was egregiously and illegally fishing. The article was a fascinating look into a world of very determined people (on both sides). The environmentalists pursued the fishing boat for over 100 days and 10,000 nautical miles. I care about the environment, but their level of caring is so beyond what I can comprehend. Games! This week, I played Bang the dice game, Aton, Roll for the Galaxy, and Five Tribes solo:

weekly roundup - first ever!

Fri, 01 Jan 2016 22:19:00 +0000

Welcome to my first weekly roundup, where I write about things I’ve read, games I’ve played, and things I’ve been thinking about that don’t merit their own blog posts. I’ve read a few interesting articles this week. I discovered the Wait But Why site, and the archives are full of interesting things. I read a two-part post on AI and the timeline for the future of it, which was both really interesting and fairly terrifying. The idea that we could be so close to immortality or extinction left me reeling. It’s a very long read, but I highly recommend reading all of it. Another interesting post I read was about procrastination . I spend a lot of my time on unimportant things, and though I’m starting to get better about doing things that will move me forward, some days are better than others. The post really resonated with me, and it reframed things in a way that may put me in more control in the future. I’ve read a couple of art-related articles this week as well, both ending rather negatively about their subjects. One was about Peter Lik, the photographer, the other about an art collector who patronizes young artists. The article about Peter Lik talks about his business plan (prices increase based on how many prints sell, and stores in high-traffic tourist areas), and about the criticism he has received from the art world (lack of shadows and darkness in his art, little resale value). We nearly bought a Peter Lik a few years ago, and I still like what he does. I’m not sure what that says about my taste in art (it probably means I’m not very sophisticated). I didn’t like the sales tactics they used, somewhat akin to car sales, but it nearly worked. The other article dealt with a man who patronizes artists as an investment strategy. It made me think more about what I’m doing with my business and how easily artists are taken advantage of. This post about Hillary Clinton was eye-opening. I had to reconsider why I feel the way I do about her. It’s a defense of her in a way, pointing out that she’s in an impossible situation. I dislike her corporate connections, but at the same time, she’s doing what she needs to to survive, and she’s immensely strong. I cannot imagine anyone I know putting up with what she’s had to endure for the last twenty years. Another site I’ve discovered is Inverse , which is full of articles that make my geeky heart sing. If you get excited about science or nerdy shows or movies, this is the place to poke around. I don’t want to point to any specific articles, because they’re all good. On to games! Recently, I’ve played Morels, Smash Up, Stone Age, Eldritch Horror, Red Dragon Inn, and Exploding Kittens. It’s been a nice vacation. :)

a look back, a look forward

Sat, 26 Dec 2015 15:52:00 +0000

This has been a year of change and redefinition for me, and next year is full of promise. Starting next Friday, I’m hoping to write a weekly round-up of things I’ve been reading, games I’ve been playing, things I’ve learned, rediscovered, or found interesting, and thoughts on events. I’m sure you’re all terribly interested in my thoughts on these things, so I hope you’ll continue to read. But today, I want to wrap up the year with an overview and talk about future plans. The year began with anticipation of moving. We decided in October 2014 that we were going to move in 2015, and we were looking at jobs in Colorado and overseas. We love Kansas City, but it was time for a change. I grew up moving every five years, and I was getting the itch after being in our house for just about that long. We told Carl’s company in March that we were leaving, that it would be great if it could be with them, but regardless, we were leaving by end of summer. They brought up Salt Lake City in April, and the more we learned about it, the more excited we became. We thought the move would happen in June or July, then in August, but it finally happened in October. Our house sold quickly, and we sold off most of our stuff, as we were moving from a 4-bedroom house with basement and garage to a 2-bedroom apartment with neither. It’s been good to do with less, but I think both of us would welcome a garage or basement to store our camping stuff and bikes. We love SLC so far. We’ve had some snow, we’re excited about skiing, and we’re starting to make friends. It’s a good place for us. Another big change happened in July when we both changed our last names! I had my hyphenated name from birth, and Carl and I both liked the idea of having the same last name. Of the three last names between the two of us, we chose my mom’s. I have to admit, when we got married (almost 6 years ago!), I didn’t ever really think about changing my name. It didn’t make a lot of sense, as I had started to establish myself in law under that name, and Carl’s last name wasn’t really any less complicated than my own. Since I left law, I had been wanting to simplify it, and Carl finally asked me why I didn’t, and he offered to change his name too. It was very sweet, and it has meant more than I expected to have the same last name as my husband. We were able to change our names with very little fuss, Carl’s work colleagues thought it was great, and apart from a few notable exceptions, everyone has either thought it was neat or kept their opinions to themselves. The third big change has been my delving into software development. I started learning Python in March (a college class in it 12 years ago barely counts as having learned it before), after doing some HTML/CSS/JavaScript stuff, and I’ve been doing small projects and solving math problems (gotta love Project Euler !). I’m doing a class on how to properly test software too, and my hope is to start as QA and move into test automation and then a full-on development job. It’s a lot to learn, but I’m enjoying it, and Carl says I already think like a software engineer (not that his opinion is the be-all and end-all, but it’s nice that he has that faith in me). I have a list of projects to conquer in 2016, and I’m looking forward to doing them. Keep an eye on my site for them! In other news, I welcomed a niece in August (she’s beautiful), and I celebrated with friends and family for their own milestones. I gave two recitals, sang with multiple choirs, and went to both Universal Studios in Orlando and Disneyland in California. I made plans for Harry Potter things, learned new board games, learned to crochet, finished some knitting projects, and read a lot. It was a wonderful year, and next year looks like it will be just as good.

first impressions

Mon, 23 Nov 2015 10:31:00 +0000

I have been in Salt Lake City exactly one month. Our apartment is great (albeit with a tiny kitchen), we have our Utah driver licenses and our plates (Harry Potter themed, of course), and I’ve found a Lutheran church. The dogs are used to not having a dog door, we’ve gone on a few hiking adventures, and we have unpacked most of our boxes. I’ve met Carl’s colleagues, church people, knitters, and gamers. SLC is pretty great. The mountains are right there, and even cold days aren’t bitingly cold like in Kansas (or Iowa, goodness). People are friendly, and communities come together really easily. We’ve moved down the crazy scale from Kansas politics (though not by tons), so that’s a plus. SLC elected its first openly gay mayor two weeks ago, and the governor isn’t actively trying to destroy the state. There seems to be an “us versus them” mentality here though, between Mormons and non-Mormons. The LDS people I’ve met here have been friendly and open, and I’ve had some frank discussions about beliefs and lifestyles. From the non-LDS people, however, I’ve heard things along the lines of, “I tried to keep an open mind at first, but I just don’t understand,” and “I have some Mormon friends, but I hang out much more with my ’normal’ friends.” The line often seems to be demarcated by what a person drinks. There seems to be a higher prevalence of drinking among non-Mormons, almost a shibboleth. I like drinking, but having it as a marker of my culture and/or religion makes me uncomfortable. Overall, I’m really enjoying being here. One thing I heard from multiple friends in KC was that they had a hard time telling if I liked them at first (two people were convinced I actively disliked them). I’m working on that, trying to make my face less… what? grumpy? shy? I noticed it at church yesterday morning. I went to choir, and as I was introduced to people, I would give a small smile and say hi, but not brightly, and so after worship, I made a point to talk to the people that I hadn’t really engaged earlier. First impressions matter.

moving

Tue, 29 Sep 2015 19:36:00 +0000

Almost exactly one year ago, we decided we were going to move west. We love Kansas City, but we’ve been here for five years, and it’s time for a new adventure. We want mountains and a more temperate climate and more opportunities for outdoor activities. We told my husband’s employer that we were leaving, that it would be great if he could stay with the company, but we were leaving in a few months. The company came through and asked us to move to Salt Lake City! It wasn’t initially on our radar, but the more we learned about it, the more excited we became. It sounds like most everything we’re looking for in a new city. We thought we would move in June, then July, then on and on until now it’s finally going to happen in October. We found a two-bedroom apartment that is close to his work and not far from anything. The dogs will have a little bit of grass on our patio, but they’ll have to get used to not having a dog door. Our house goes on the market at the end of the week, and I’ve been playing contractor, finding a roofer, landscaper, foundation person, painter, and carpet cleaner. We had a massive garage sale last weekend, then donated a bunch and took a lot to the dump. We got rid of thousands of pounds of stuff over the weekend, and there’s more to go. It’s a relief to have less “stuff,” to be downsizing and getting rid of things we once considered important. It’s also brought my husband and me closer together. We’ve been working hard to get things ready, staying up late, getting up early, packing, cleaning, carrying boxes (and beds, and furniture). It’s been a good lesson in patience and teamwork. We have two more days of push, and then we just maintain things while the house is on the market. Just two more days. That’s what’s going on here. Still lots of cleaning to do, plus a couple trips to various places. I didn’t think moving would be this stressful. It’ll get done though. And soon!

discipline

Thu, 06 Mar 2014 08:28:00 +0000

My theme for this year, as a New Year’s Resolution, is discipline. Since I closed up my law firm, I’d been rather undisciplined - sleeping late and too much, eating too much, watching too much TV, drinking too frequently (rarely to excess), generally living in my own bubble of self-indulgence and not engaging with my community. I felt bad, emotionally and physically. New Year seemed like the right time to make more changes, and I decided to try to live with more deliberation and discipline. I still have a long way to go, but I think I’ve made a good start. I get up with Carl most days and work on our new business (ArtsMuse !) for a decent portion of the day, I get out of the house regularly, I’m eating, if not better, at least less. I attend 1 Million Cups, which is a weekly presentation of two start-ups, and I made it my goal to meet 2 new people each week. That’s pushed me outside my comfort zone, though I think with the lack of “work friends,” maybe I’m willing to seek out human contact a little more. And I’ve been reading more. Last year, I read a lot of nonfiction, which was great, and I learned a lot, but I’m trying to read more fiction right now (I love my local library!). I started voice lessons, and I’ve been playing more piano recently too. So that’s been well and good, but I can do better. I have nowhere near the discipline of, say, mothers. My house is still regularly cluttered, I’m still not exercising (I do walk the dogs, but does that count?), and my spiritual life is not great. I’m really involved in my church, but the last time I prayed on my own without prompting in church (before yesterday) was, well, I don’t remember, because it’s been that long. I’ve decided on my Lenten disciplines. First, give up alcohol. I think my liver and my gut will both appreciate that. Second, follow the devotional that my pastor wrote. Third, pray regularly, at least daily. And fourth, write or draw (or both) daily. I still feel like I write like a lawyer, and I’m hoping that I can write like a normal human again. As for drawing, my artistic ability is limited, and it’s something I want to improve upon. My husband asked what Lenten disciplines are all about, which was a good reminder to me of why we do this anyway. The way I learned it was that when we deprive ourselves of something, we are meant to pray when we feel the deprivation. One year when I was a kid, my dad, my brother, and I decided to fast on Wednesdays (though somehow, smoothies didn’t count). The idea was that when we felt hungry, we were supposed to pray. Hopefully this will mean praying at dinner now. :) With adding disciplines, again, it’s meant to be something that brings us closer to God. The devotional and praying regularly are pretty obvious. I have a harder time explaining the writing/drawing, but I think anything that gets me focusing for long-ish periods of time is a positive in my personal development, not that it will make me worthier of redemption, but I think we are meant (called?) to improve constantly.

When I Die...

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 12:48:00 +0000

This may be a little macabre, but I’ve been thinking about what I want things to be like when I die. I closed my law firm officially last week. I just wasn’t happy practicing law, and I realized that when I’m on my deathbed, I don’t want to think that I should have changed jobs fifty years ago. And that’s what I would think if I continued in law, or at least in practicing law. So I’ve closed up shop and am spending some time being a housewife. I don’t think I will regret this. Thinking about being on my deathbed got me thinking about other areas of my life as well. Carl and I talked about things, and we agreed that, if one of us were to die suddenly, we don’t want either of us to feel that we should have said more or shown more love. And I know that, if one of us died today, I would know that I had shown him love and been shown so much love. I also don’t want to feel like I didn’t really LIVE. And by this, I don’t mean bungee jumping or swimming with sharks or opening a bar on a beach in Costa Rica. I mean being present. Being present to experience the beauty and the sorrow that life provides. This means everything from playing with my dogs and gardening to spending time with friends and family to traveling to reading a book and watching TV (because yes, watching some TV can contribute to my happiness). I’ve known someone who disconnected and chose not to be present and experience the hurts and the joys, and it caused a lot of pain for many people. I will be present though. I will try not to regret broken relationships or missed opportunities. I may not love life every day, but I will appreciate it and know that experiencing it is what makes everything worth it. Embracing the pain and the sadness so that celebrating joy and love is even more brilliant. That got really sappy, didn’t it? I’m in a bit of a sentimental and contemplative mood…

Things I Miss

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 16:53:00 +0000

A friend asked me today if I miss being at my former firm. I thought about it for a minute. There are some things I miss:

being busy all the time (or at least a lot of the time)
someone else shouldering responsibility for my work
someone else being responsible for bringing in new work
having a steady paycheck

However, I know that these are things I miss now. I know business will come in the door in waves, and I won’t always be busy (or always slow). I know I can build a network of people I trust to respond honestly to my work product or my questions, which is something I’m already building. I know I’m getting better all the time at bringing in new business. And I know that the paycheck will come, and it will vary, but it will hopefully pay off in the end. In short, I miss having a safety net. But the freedom that comes with being my own boss is amazing. And that’s something I would miss tremendously at a firm.

a productive weekend (and GF chocolate chip cookies)

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 20:53:00 +0000

So I accomplished quite a bit this weekend. Figured out how to sew with Ultrex (a Gore-tex type material), got the guest room ready for a friend (quite a feat, I assure you, as it is also my sewing room), and did a fair amount of cooking. So here it is, in order of increasing good-ness: salsa: I had a lot of tomatillos and cherry tomatoes from the garden, so I decided to make salsa. I put in about a half-dozen tomatillos, four handfuls of cherry tomatoes, a shallot, two cloves of garlic, a jalapeno, and some lime juice. It is definitely spicy, a little watery (I probably just processed it too long though), but it is okay. I think it will be really good with chicken or fish, so we’ll try that tomorrow night. Mmm. dog treats: My husband made me breakfast on Saturday, and we had some leftover bacon. I made dog treats with bacon, peanut butter, shredded carrot, honey, and a mixture of oat flour and brown rice flour. I had to make my own oat flour using GF rolled oats (seriously, make sure the oats are GF), which I put in the blender until they turned to powder. The dogs seem to love them. I found the recipe at http://tidymom.net/2011/homemade-dog-treats/ . I followed the recipe exactly, and it turned out well. bread: Sad news - my sourdough starter died. Good news - I got to make beer bread instead. I used this recipe, though I cut out the dill. I used Green beer, partly because we had it around the house and my husband won’t drink it, but also because it is a nice dark beer (even if it doesn’t taste great). It made the bread really delicious. My husband said he liked it even better than the sourdough. Because it isn’t a yeast bread, though, it didn’t rise, and so it was just a really really flat loaf. However, like I said, delicious. If you know the beer is there, you can taste it, but it just tastes good. The texture was really light and the beer makes nice holes in the bread the way yeast does in yeast bread. and the best thing this weekend: chocolate chip cookies: I didn’t even try the recipe I have in a book, because my experimentation worked out so well. I adapted an old Toll House recipe that my grandmother had altered years and years ago. I wanted to try millet flour, and I’m glad I did. I think it added a flavor that just tasted substantial, if that makes sense. One thing I have done in the past that I wish I had done here is add some cinnamon. But anyway, here is my GF chocolate chip cookie recipe:

What I'm doing today

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 09:15:00 +0000

I apologize for the long hiatus. It’s been a few weeks of out-of-town weekends and very busy weeks. Today, I’m going to make another two loaves of sourdough bread, experiment with GF chocolate chip cookies using a recipe I found and attempting to alter a recipe I love, and then I’ll make bacon treats (also GF) for the dogs. I will make a full report on how everything turns out. I also get to plant amaryllis bulbs today. And I’ll try to get to planting some lily bulbs and replanting daffodil bulbs that came up last weekend. We dug up all our sweet potatoes - some are 8 inches across! My husband is going to build them a bin in our basement so that we can have our very own semblance of a root cellar. :)

Disjointed matters

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 21:35:00 +0000

I’m sure I will have many posts on disjointed matters, but here is the first in my recent posts. First, the sweet potato chips were a huge hit with the dogs. I think I may make more tomorrow for them. Second, I’m rather frustrated with my orchestra right now. I really miss playing in my college orchestra where people practiced and the conductor encouraged players to be better. One derisive comment the conductor made at practice tonight really made me think seriously about not going back. But I can’t leave the orchestra without a bass player… Third, I’m struggling with sewing ultrex, which is a goretex type material. My stitches are really close together no matter what stitch length I set them at, and the feed dogs push the fabric through faster than the needle, so it puckers. I fiddled with the tension and thought I had it figured out, but no. I’ve ripped out about seven inches of very close stitches, and I have another two to go, so if anyone has any suggestions, please share them. I definitely learned my lesson about practicing on scraps instead of the actual project. And fourth, I will be starting a new job in two weeks at another firm here in Kansas City. I will be doing e-discovery and data privacy consulting, as far as I understand it, but everyone knows you don’t really know what your job entails until a month into it. I am so grateful for the experience I’ve gained at my current firm, but it is time to go somewhere else, and I am excited about this next chapter in my career. That’s it for now. Mulling over a few other things that I might post, but we’ll just have to see.

after more than a year hiatus...

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 17:30:00 +0000

… I’m back. Pretty sure no one has noticed my absence, and that’s fine by me. I’ve spent the last year fully embracing the domestic life. I took up sewing, I’ve dived deep into gluten-free cooking, and we spent a good portion of the year doing yard and garden work. I plan to update my blog more frequently from here on out and write about more substantive things, contrary to the whining that I too frequently fall into. Here’s to another beginning!

JD

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 16:21:00 +0000

Within a month or two after starting law school, I was at a career services thing, and they spent a minute stressing that the degree we were pursuing is a Juris Doctor, not a Juris Doctorate. Although I understand that some people might be confused, people should know what their own degree is. I was given a pamphlet about a Republican candidate today (the Republican part isn’t important, but still…), and one of the statements in there was about him receiving a Juris Doctorate from Washington University. That just irritated me. Thought I’d mention it, because I’ve seen “Juris Doctorate” on a few attorney websites and all over our Luther class letter.

work-life balance

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 22:29:00 +0000

This will be a short post, as I have to be at work in seven hours, meaning that I have five hours to sleep, but I wanted to say a quick word about balancing work and life. In the legal profession, or at least in private practice, balance seems to be actively discouraged. All through law school and while looking for jobs, I told myself that being balanced was very important. And it is. However, it seems to be a struggle to maintain it, and my job sometimes feels like it is a little kid on a teeter-totter who keeps moving closer and closer to the fulcrum. I’ve joined an orchestra and a gym, and I have taken over the music director position (“position” being a very loose word) at LCM as well as looking for a new church home in Overland Park. Also planning a wedding and starting to look at moving to KC (well, Johnson County really). And making time for friends. I should be able to do all this, right? It seems like these things are essential to my well-being as a person as well as a lawyer. And yet there is never ever enough time. As I write this, it seems more like I took too much on rather than work is demanding more of my time than it should reasonably have, so maybe I’m just whining. Today was just a hard day, and I’m starting to think that this struggle for balance, and this ideal of working at the office and not working outside the office is just that, an ideal.

a long pause

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 15:05:00 +0000

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, and a lot of things have happened in the meantime. The rest of my time in Europe was WONDERFUL. It was so good to be with Carl, and the traveling was a lot of fun. I flew home (that was an ordeal) at the beginning of September and started my job a week later. I was excited about my job before I started, and it has turned out to be even better than I thought it would be. I work with great people who support and challenge me, the subject matter is surprisingly interesting, and I get to do things that big firm associates don’t see until their third year. Also, I went to Miami this last week for a conference on asbestos medicine. Six of us went from the office - I only went because one of the attorneys couldn’t at the last minute - and it was a nice combination of educational lectures (including a video of a extra-pleural pneumonectomy - yuck), networking, and relaxing (mostly on the day before the conference actually started). I had a great time, and I felt really lucky to go. Asbestos is a complicated area, and so getting the chance to learn more in a focused context was really good for me. In other news, Carl moved home a few weeks ago. It’s so good to be back together. Wedding plans are gearing up, though there is still a lot to take care of. We’re also just trying to sort through the house. Between the two of us, who lived alone for three and four years, we’ve accumulated a lot of things, many of them duplicates. We have more tupperware (in a generic sense) than anyone should ever need. I also picked up the vestiges of my youth from my mom’s house about a month ago, meaning all of my childhood books, yearbooks, journals, stuffed animals, my baby blanket and baptismal blanket, and assorted items like a music box from my grandmother and a salt-covered rock from the Dead Sea. That is all now added to the pile of things to sort through. It is literally a pile, similar to a small hill, though much more fragile. I started to go through things today, but I didn’t get very far, because I started reading my journals from high school. Oh my goodness, those were drama-filled years. I’m very glad I’m past those years. So in closing, life is good, and I’m enjoying this journey into real adulthood. Oh, and Carl and I got Motorola Droids a week and a half ago. Awesome. We love them.

another day

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:25:00 +0000

neck hurts, jerked awake yesterday morning and strained something
studying a lot
Mom bought a piano, so I get the one we’ve had forever!
bought plane ticket to London!

almost done with law school!

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 21:35:00 +0000

I have a grand total of nine classes left. Four tomorrow, three Wednesday, two Thursday. And then I will be done with class for a long time! Three finals, then graduation. And Carl comes home for a couple weeks. Next year, I’ll be working for a law firm in Kansas City, Missouri. I’m not going to say the name because I really don’t want my blog to come up in searches for it. That would just be weird. I’ll be defending asbestos manufacturers though. I’m very excited about it. It’s a really great firm, and I’m looking forward to working with all of them. Recently, I’ve been playing bass more. I really do miss it. Anyone know of an orchestra I could play with next year? There’s a civic orchestra with whom a Kansas appellate judge plays. That would be fun, but I’m a little hesitant to try and play with them. Okay, I’m done.

soon

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 23:11:00 +0000

I’m headed to Germany on Wednesday! I’ll land in Munich on Thursday and spend a couple days with Carl. I’ll leave on Saturday for Eisleben, where I’ll meet up with some friends from LCM, and we’ll do a Luther tour, following his footsteps, so to speak. Then on the next Thursday, I’ll head up to Berlin to stay with my brother until Monday. Carl is meeting me up there, so he’ll get to meet those friends. I’m excited. Also have a job lined up for next year, wedding plans are coming along, and I graduate in two months. Life is so good.

a spider

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 18:46:00 +0000

I’m pretty convinced now that a spider is trying to take over my house. For some odd reason, a very large and ugly spider took up residence on the overhang in front of my front door. After going through the spiderweb three or four times, Carl “saved” me and took down the spider (and the spiderweb) with a stick and threw it on my roof. It’s been three days, and now the spider has built a very large web right outside my sliding glass door. It’s trying to trap me, you see. It’s very determined. And very strategic. Maybe I’ll leave it there for a day or two and then throw the spider in the bushes or something and hope it doesn’t come back. Yuck.

my Ossi bike

Sat, 03 May 2008 15:55:00 +0000

I rode my bike today for the first time in almost a year. It was killing three birds with one stone - exercise, errands (without damaging the environment), and procrastination. Everything was good for the first mile or so, but then the gears started acting up. One awesome thing about my bike (yes, awesome) is that when you backpedal, it brakes. But it would slip out of its gear (it has three gears plus a “neutral” - yeah, I love it) and only the handbrake worked. Then it got more and more frequent to the point it was happening every 10-15 seconds by the time I got home. My sandal flew off twice, and I had to turn around and walk back to it. Damn Commies. Nah, I love my happy little Ossi bike.

back home again... for a week

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 22:32:00 +0000

Five of us from LCM spent last week in the Twin Cities. We did a service trip, spending time at a homeless shelter, a food pantry, and an after-school program. It was an excellent experience, and one that I need to still process. One thing that I was struck by was the gradations of homelessness. The thing that came up a few times was that, when people have a place to sleep, when they have four walls and a roof, they don’t necessarily consider themselves homeless. That was interesting to me, and something that I didn’t consider before. It was an eye-opening trip. I should write more and study.

it's good to be home

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 01:09:00 +0000

I haven’t been gone for days, but it feels so good to be home. I spent 17.5 hours away from home today, 15 of which were spent at the law school, and 17 of which were spent doing law-related and law-school-related things. My head hurts. Not like it did when I was seriously in pain a couple weeks ago. It is just very difficult to articulate any thoughts right now. I am pleased to say that Dani and I have finished our moot court brief (more than 12 hours before it’s due!), and we’ll be printing it off tomorrow morning. We’ll celebrate with mimosas. Mmm. And then I’ll clean my house, get copies made of my key, do laundry, pack for spring break, and maybe think about law school things some more. Oh, and I’ll get all the stuff for the Easter egg hunt together. That shouldn’t be so bad. I’m going to put pebbles in some of the eggs, maybe mini action figures in others, and then the traditional stuff like candy and cereal (is my family the only one that got cereal like Froot Loops and Lucky Charms in their Easter eggs?). I may fill an egg with pennies. It will be awesome. And now for my random musings: I did a pretty bad parking job this morning, and it made me wish that I could blame it on the tuba section picking up my car and moving it. I still wish the basses had started a war with the tubas. That would have been great. I got an interview with an organization I’ve been really interested in for years! My (phone) interview is next week, though, which is when we’ll be in the Twin Cities for this service trip, so I’m hoping my friends behave when I’m being interviewed and they’re all in the car. Creepy guys bug me. At times I feel like I am going to implode. Or explode. I guess maybe I feel like a neutron star, sucking mass in and getting denser and denser and then spewing it all away. Isn’t that the process for a neutron star? Astronomy was four years ago, which seems like light years away (haha). I kind of like having a vanity blog. But then I feel kind of selfish. And annoyed with myself for using “I” so much. Oh well. It’s my blog. Don’t read it if you don’t want to. I’m exhausted.

sooo busy

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 11:50:00 +0000

It’s kind of an inside joke. I am, however, very busy. I have a paper due tomorrow that will determine my future (I’m being only slightly dramatic), a midterm on Tuesday, a paper due on Thursday that will essentially be one-half of my grade (another paper will be the other half, I think), and a really big paper due on Friday. I’m busy, but for some reason, I’m not panicking. I’m just slowly getting things done. It’s wonderful. I steam-cleaned my carpet, couch, and chairs yesterday. I think I may mop my floors today. Or clean my kitchen. We’ll see. I’m looking forward to the 22nd very much. Spring break starts this Friday (the 14th), and I’m going to the Twin Cities with LCM. I may have already mentioned that. But someone very special will be back on the 20th, and I’ll be back on the 22nd, and we get a whole week before he goes away again until June or July. I watched Pride and Prejudice last night. I like that story so much. There was a time when I read it in a day and couldn’t stop talking like Jane Austen wrote for another few days. I should get back to writing. And not writing in my blog.

what I've learned and what I think

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 17:41:00 +0000

So one thing that I’ve learned this year (and really, it’s been years in the making) is that I’m a good leader, and I certainly do well with responsibility, but I don’t like it. It makes me think that I’m even more like my mother, which I don’t mind.