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Musings
finding purpose
I like my employer, and I like my new career as a software tester, and though I strive to be excellent, when I leave work, I do my best not to think about it until the next day. I’ll sometimes try to learn a new skill or read a book related to software testing, or write a blog post, but software testing is not what gives me purpose in life. I grew up thinking I was going to be exceptional. Maybe every kid does. Maybe it’s my generation. And though I’m a little disappointed that I’m not running the world or making a widely known name for myself, I’m really happy with the life I’ve built. My marriage is nearly perfect - we have similar goals, complementary interests, a genuine enjoyment of conversation and companionship with each other, and a desire to see the other one succeed and be happy. I’ve found solid friends and fun groups to be around. I am getting better at singing and am truly enjoying it. I always have a project or two going, usually knitting. I’m very involved at church and am trying to get more involved in my community. I’ve taken up rock climbing. My depression is mostly kept at bay, though some days, it’s hard to get out of bed. But is this my purpose in life? I hope I bring joy to others, I think I inspire people in some way, and I’m pretty happy right now, so is this what I can hope to achieve? I try not to be selfish, though that is my nature, and I can be rather self-indulgent some (a lot) of the time. I’ve been looking into ikigai and hygge - it seems that a lot of people are seeking purpose (and contentment) in life. I don’t have one all-consuming passion that makes me happy to get out of bed (and pays me), but I do have rituals and little things that bring meaning to everyday life. This is a hard concept for me. My life is pretty ordinary viewed from the outside, I think, but it feels special from the inside. Where do you find purpose? How do you define it?
Jun 2017insecurity and bravery
My husband won’t sing in front of me. He’s taking voice lessons with a great teacher (Tyler Kofoed, if you’re interested), and he says he’s getting better, but he won’t sing for me. Part of it is intimidation, because I’ve been taking lessons and just singing a lot longer, but part of it is massive insecurity and not wanting to reveal that he’s not great at something. I didn’t realize it was actually a thing until he nearly had a panic attack after he almost got up the nerve to let me warm him up the other day. He calls me brave. It’s not a word I generally claim, because I think I would back down from a physical altercation, and I’m not sure I would rush into a burning building to save cats. But in some ways, I am brave. I ignore the part of my ego that cares what other people think, and when I want to do something, I just don’t give a damn about other people. Take climbing. It had been over ten years since I last went climbing (indoors, but still). Ten years and, oh, 50-60 pounds. My harness didn’t really fit anymore. Did you know that shoes feel tighter when you’ve gained that much weight? But I decided to go climbing at a gym here with a friend. We started with bouldering (stupid idea, but I didn’t have a harness that fit), and I fell off the wall. Many times. At one point, I fell on my way walking to the wall. Yeah. I shut down the part of me that said I was too big and clumsy and weak and lazy and all manner of bad things, and I made some progress. And then a little more the next time. And when I finally got a harness that fit, I got a little ways up a wall a few times. And then more. And now, I’m still not very good, and not very strong, but I’m getting better each time, and no one has even tried to say that I’m too big to climb, or anything negative at all. I’m really insecure about most everything. I know I’m smart, but I’m not doing big, important things with it. I know I’m a good musician, but I’m not in top-notch ensembles. I know I’m kind and funny, but I’m sometimes unsatisfied with my friendships. I could create a very long list of the things that I am insecure about, but you get the idea. My pride and my bravery and very closely related to my insecurity. It comes from deciding that my life would be better for having tried something, or for letting something go, than to stick with the old ways of doing things. And once I decide that, the external naysayers get the same treatment as the internal naysayers: I ignore them, or, at least, try to ignore them.
Jun 2017indispensability and value
I had a realization when I started my current job: I don’t want to be indispensable. For a very long time, I wanted to be indispensable, where things would come to a halt if I weren’t there or if I hadn’t left detailed instructions behind. I wanted to be so important to a company or a project that work absolutely required my expertise and my presence. I thought that was a sign of value, that it meant I mattered. But now, I don’t want to be indispensable. It seems to be a sign of arrogance to the point of irresponsibility and disregard for the well-being of an organization to be indispensable. I want to be valued and to train others to do my job, so that I have the freedom to take a vacation, or even (gasp) leave, somewhere down the road. I care about the team I’m on and want them to succeed, with or without me. What I want is to be valued, to be respected for the skills, knowledge, and ideas I bring, and to be regarded as a positive force on our team. However, we have a new tester on our team, and I’m training her. Though I know I really want her to succeed and be a partner with me, I still feel a little threatened, like… I’m no longer required. Even though I’ve been thinking these ideas, about the tension between indispensability and value, and coming to regard them as separate concepts, I still feel like they are the same thing, like the best way to be valued is to make myself indispensable. I actually talked with the new woman about this, so that she understands that if I start to sound a bit territorial or a bit fussy, it’s not about her, but about me, and she’s welcome to confront me about it. We’ll see how I react if she does confront me. :)
Apr 2017luxury and want
What conjures thoughts of luxury to you? Nice purses? Hand-tailored suits? Expensive scotch? For me, yes, those are luxurious items, but a much simpler luxury item is… Goldfish. Yeah, the cheese crackers shaped like fish. I still feel a little self-indulgent when I buy them. Realizing that has made me think about how our childhood circumstances continue to affect our thinking as we are older. Growing up, my mom supported our family of four on a pastor’s salary. She served congregations that were made up of people who were mostly middle and upper-middle class. I don’t know how much she made, and it’s not terribly relevant. We didn’t have money for new books (realizing that I couldn’t get the books I wanted from the Scholastic flyer is a decently strong memory), rarely went out to eat, and did a lot of shopping at Goodwill. My mom made most of my clothes until we moved to Germany. I didn’t have my first pair of jeans until I was in sixth grade, and those were hand-me-downs from a boy in the church. I loved the clothing she made me; she is a great seamstress, and I was never self-conscious about what I was wearing, though… I do remember a lot of pairs of pink sweatpants. I would get a new dress for Easter, and it was kind of a big deal when she bought me one instead of making it. She stopped making my clothes when we moved, in part because fabric was so much more expensive in Europe. Our snacks were not fancy - string cheese, homemade cookies (yum) - but she would sometimes buy Goldfish. I loved those things, but they seemed to only come out on special occasions. I felt really high-class when I would get to eat Goldfish, and that has stayed with me into adulthood. (Now that we’re just a couple weeks from Easter, I’ve been thinking about how our plastic Easter eggs were filled with Froot Loops and sugary cereals that were only in our house for those times.) In spite of not having much disposable income in our daily life (maybe because of it), we had an annual vacation that would take us camping in Yellowstone or driving along the Pacific coast while we lived in the US, and Italy, Spain and Portugal, Crete, Israel, or many other places while we lived in Europe. My mom spent money on experiences rather than stuff while we were growing up, so even though we would take our own snacks and sandwiches to Disneyland, we went to Disneyland most years with her family. We traveled widely in Europe, staying in hostels and not being terribly adventurous in cuisine, following Rick Steves’ guidance and exploring on our own. It was an incredible way to grow up, and I’m happy to have those experiences to remember. I now have a situation where we have two incomes and no children, in a city with a reasonable cost of living, but I still hesitate before I buy myself name-brand snacks or the leaner beef. And Goldfish, well, those are just special.
Dec 20162016 roundup
2016 has been a mostly good year in my life, but it’s been a difficult one in our nation and our world. Memes abound anthropomorphizing 2016, and it seems like most people will be glad to see the year end. Whether 2017 will be any better, whether the world will even make it to 2018 is uncertain, but people hold out hope that next year has to be better than this one. In my personal life, I got my first non-law-related, work-for-someone-else job doing software testing. I think I’ve learned a lot, and I’m enjoying the work and the collegiality. I started doing volunteer work with a high school robotics team and a refugee resettlement organization. I became more involved at church, to the point of taking a leadership role in our early Sunday service. I got a diagnosis for my mental health issues that finally fits. I’m finding time to do things that I enjoy. It’s been a little rough trying to find “our people” here, and the search for friends makes me feel like I’m 5… or 11… ugh. So the year was mostly good. We saw friends and family, explored Utah, and spent lots of time just being us. But personal life aside… 2016 has been rough for our global society. Aside from all the cultural icons, musicians, and celebrities who have died, the year brought division and destruction, emboldening xenophobia and diminishing hope. I look at the trail we left behind in 2016, splattered with Syrian blood, refugee tears, and political mudslinging, and I fear for the future. I fear that the hatred we spewed in 2016 is only the beginning, that the trail we carve through 2017 will be just as bloody, wet, and muddy as the one we left behind us. I wish I had a way to make this better, that I had words of hope to speak, that I knew how things would turn out, but I’m still feeling hopeless and gutted. I do admire the people who have stepped up to create plans of action for resisting Trump. One example is the Indivisible Guide . It takes the aspects of the Tea Party that were very effective, action at the local level, and discusses how to execute them in opposition to Trump’s agenda. I have to believe that we can halt or at least stall the worst of his plans. The problems we’re facing as a world - the refugee crisis and the rise of xenophobia - seem too big and complicated to manage. I have a heart for refugees but understand the need to keep communities safe. The Australian attitude towards refugees is cruel, even malicious, but I fear Europe is headed in that direction. As for the situation in the States, we need to stop shouting into echo chambers and make sure our voices are heard by our members of Congress. We need to volunteer with and donate to organizations that resettle refugees and that advocate for their inclusion and their rights. Lutheran Immigration and Refugee Service and Catholic Charities are great organizations that I’ve worked with before. Some good came out of the year, but it seems to be mostly overshadowed by the bad. Here’s hoping 2017 brings mostly good things.
Dec 2016why I make music (and why I practice)
I’ve been making music since I was a small child. It started with singing, then included piano, flute, and double bass, and now I mostly just sing and play piano. Listening to music is a great pleasure, but making music is a deeper experience and emotion, joy and earnestness and connection. I’ve never considered myself a very creative person - my improvisation skills are worthless, and my compositions fall into a few standard categories with little innovation or depth. I gravitate towards the technical and enjoy concrete challenges. I’m not necessarily very good, but music is my lifeblood. I make music because I must. In the same way little kids burst into fits of dancing, I must express myself with music. Song bursts out of me, at mostly appropriate times. It’s how my soul expresses itself. It facilitates my communication with the world and with God. But I practice for other reasons. In part, I practice to improve, but in larger measure, I practice so I don’t distract. If you’re like me, you’ve heard performances that make you cringe or put you on edge, wondering if the next note will be in tune or out of control. Instead of hearing the music, you hear the technique. That’s just not a fun experience for anyone, the performer or the listener. And so I practice so that technique doesn’t get in the way of the music. Yes, I try to bring my own expression to the music, but people won’t notice that expression if they’re concerned about my technique. This came up as I was practicing for a solo for Christmas Eve. It wasn’t a big thing - just the first verse of Of the Father’s Love Begotten - but it was sung unaccompanied and alone. I found that I kept going sharp, and the key meant that the first few notes ran right over my lower passagio, so I practiced. Worked on it in coaching and my lesson. Thought I was going to be okay. But in the moment, I realized I hadn’t practiced enough for it to be muscle memory, and so I went (a little) sharp and sounded awkward on a note. Missed the expression I had been working on putting into it. I was disappointed, and the few people I mentioned it to (my husband, the organist, and the choir director) all said they had noticed my slip-ups. Granted, they were the ones most likely to notice, but still, I felt like I let myself down and took away from the experience of others. That kind of experience makes me want to practice, and practice more. It can become tedious, but the end result is usually worth it. I noticed a difference in the recitals from 2015. For the one in April, I practiced tons, and it went pretty well. For the one in October, I practiced less, and hearing the recording of it made me realize just how much practice improves everything. There’s something innocent about unpracticed song, but it is often tentative and not as expressive as it could be with study. I guess to sum up, I make music for myself, and I practice for others.
Nov 2016living in Utah - one year later
We have now been in Utah for a full year. We’re feeling settled and are having fun here. We’ve learned our way around, found friends, communities, volunteer opportunities, I found a job (!), we’ve done some outdoorsy activities (though not as much as either of us would like), and we’ve acclimated to the culture for the most part. Utah is just different in some ways, with the dominant religion influencing secular life in a fairly large way. The refugee family I mentor was told by another volunteer that Christmas isn’t big here, and that Halloween is much bigger. That jives with what we’ve seen, but it’s influenced by religion (the Christmas thing, at least) rather than just being less important. The institution I work for is a Utah business, so we don’t get Christmas Eve off, just Christmas Day. Another thing influenced by religion is the prevalence of specialty soda shops. There’s a big emphasis on sweets rather than coffee and alcohol. But those who aren’t LDS seem to drink a lot more coffee and a lot more alcohol to make up for it. Some of the politics and legal stuff is weird, but it’s not terrible, and we’ve gotten used to it. I get angry about politics in a lot of places, so Utah is just another instance of this. The outdoor activities in this state can’t be beat. We’ve been to three national parks this year (Bryce Canyon, Arches, and Canyonlands), have gone camping at Nine-Mile Canyon (petroglyphs all over the place), and have gone on a number of hikes. No skiing last winter, but we’re hoping to change that this winter. There’s a walking/bike trail that goes from pretty far up north all the way south along a river. We’ve only explored a few miles of it, but it’s quite inviting. The climate is more temperate than Kansas, still getting cold in the winter and hot in the summer, but nowhere near the extremes of Kansas. The downside of the climate here is inversion, which comes from living in a valley between two mountain ranges. The pollution stays in the valley, settling like smog and staying there for up to weeks at a time, until a storm clears it out. It gets so bad that people are supposed to stay inside, and people who work outside wear ventilators. I’ve found people with whom to play board games, people with whom to knit, and a great voice teacher. People are very friendly and welcoming. My church is a wonderful community. Work is a good place for me to be. All in all, we’re happy here and think we’ll be here awhile.
Feb 2016weekly roundup - February 19th
Maybe not strictly weekly, but here’s this week’s edition of what I’ve been reading, playing, and thinking! The New Yorker had an interesting piece last spring on police shootings in Albuquerque . The violence directed at civilians by cops is far beyond what other areas experience, and the city turned a blind eye to it over and over again. The DOJ launched an investigation and found a pattern of unnecessarily aggressive responses to crises. The most egregious violence has been directed at people who are homeless or have a mental illness. It is a depressing read, and the protection by the city and within the department makes it even worse. I could feel the hopelessness of the parents in the story. This short opinion piece (caution: language) on the Huffington Post’s refusal to pay its writers got me thinking about how I choose to spend my time and energy. It’s also an analog to paying artists, like I believe so firmly in with ArtsFuse . I’m not sure I can completely stop reading HuffPo, but is it worth it to make an effort? Games:
Feb 2016weekly roundup - February 5th
This will be a short one. In the last couple weeks, I’ve been focusing on other things and haven’t read many articles or played many games. I’m still a week or two behind in Bloomberg Businessweek, but I found this article about a man who has donated millions to Ted Cruz’s campaign to be very interesting. Robert Mercer is a very wealthy programmer and hedge fund manager who donates to political campaigns and summits and movements that push for the gold standard and deny climate change. He and I basically have nothing in common, but it would be interesting to have a conversation with him (though he is also fairly reticent about his personal beliefs, so it might be difficult). The story is light on formative background for Mercer, and I would want to know why on earth… just… why. My Facebook feed has been dominated by a few outspoken Sanders supporters, and it made me start thinking that everyone was like that. I’ve taken measures to lessen that exposure and talk to Clinton supporters more. And then I came across this piece this morning, and it seemed like perfect timing. Clinton has been in the national spotlight for 25 years. She has incredible perseverance, and she has had to deal with so much mud-slinging for pretty much the entire time. The GOP is encouraging Sanders supporters to spew the same vitriol the right has been spewing for years. It’s frustrating and worrisome.
Jan 2016weekly roundup - January 15th
One of the best things I saw this week was Jerry Seinfeld and President Obama in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee . Both of these men are personable, and I enjoyed their conversation. Having Obama open up about what it means to have power is interesting, and his advice to the candidates about making sure they’re running for the right reasons (or rather, not running for the wrong reasons) made me think about the reasons behind the choices I’ve made in my own life. In law school, we learned about arbitration, but there wasn’t a big emphasis on it. It was something that was relegated to consumer contracts, but even there, it wasn’t used by all of the companies. In the last few years, however, arbitration clauses have popped up all over the place, and the Supreme Court has upheld even the most extreme of them. This article does a good job of explaining the rise of arbitration clauses and the influence the Chief Justice had in creating the winning argument while he was practicing law. I’m not a proponent of arbitration. My arguments against it are nothing new, but I am particularly against it in employment contracts. Cerner gave its employees an ultimatum late last year: sign an arbitration contract or lose the ability to get merit raises. It prohibits class action suits, which can be effective to change corrupt or improper practices by companies. And it’s just unfair. The way that our country and justice system seem to be run by companies rather than people really gets to me. A New York Times Magazine article addresses the Russian media trolls who put out pro-Russia articles and comments that disparage, well, anyone who criticizes Putin or Russia (or looks too hard at the trolls themselves). It’s an interesting bit of investigative journalism that culminates in the journalist himself being trolled. Another article about the dark side of technology is this article about the Silk Road and its founder. It’s a long, two-part read, but it goes through the founding, running, and downfall of the Silk Road and the efforts law enforcement made to try and shut it down. In the end, it’s a pretty classic case of getting too big for one’s britches. Ross Ulbricht, the mastermind, became arrogant and a little careless, which was enough for law enforcement to get a toehold. There are so many examples of this extreme hubris, and the article was in part fascination with a dark world and part schadenfreude at seeing the end result. I didn’t play any games this week, but I’m going to a board game convention this weekend, so I’ll have lots to report next week! Personal thoughts: I’ve been applying for jobs, which is somewhat disheartening. I’m educated, curious, driven, and eager to work, but I think my JD scares off potential employers who think I’m going to expect a lawyer’s salary while not doing legal work or who think that I’m not right for a software job. It’s frustrating. But I’ve come to realize that majoring in math in addition to music was one of the best decisions I could have made in college. I wanted to graduate with more than a degree in music (I knew I didn’t want to do music professionally), and I enjoyed math and was pretty good at it. It turns out that a lot of software jobs require a technical degree or a math degree, so yay! Trying to figure out my future (career-wise) makes me feel so young and inexperienced again, but it’s essential.